Well, this is a story on how God's goodness may not seem good at the time. Or it might. Or it might seem bad to others, and good to you.
I took a job in the cafe doing stock, payroll and invoices, etc. I worked the job for about two and a half months.
I had already been doing international ministry, working 15-20 hrs a week, sleeping an average of 4 hours a night on weekdays and about 6-7 a night on weekends, keeping up with people and their lives, 18 credit hours of classes and school work, and being a part of College Heights college age as well as Go teams, and meeting with older, wiser men in the Church.
Too much basically.
I had just went through about a three week period of a mental hell. That is really the best way that I could describe it, never a moment of silence in my mind, always the accuser was right there, and I was feeling the weight of brokenness and sin. I was feeling the weight of my schedule too, it was just emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually backbreaking.
And I was doing a fantastic job at hiding all this from brothers and sisters in Christ, I might add.
One day, my room mate was gone and I had a huge project due (Principles of Interp.), and I felt so incredibly broken that I could not bring myself to seek out a brother, I went to my room, locked my door, and cried for an hour, hoping no one on my floor hear that I was human (at the same time that someone would come).
The very next day I went hiking with my D-group and never said a word of it. That night of brokenness, I decided that I would look to the Lord, that I would read the psalms, and pray to my God for help, because I had reached the point where brokenness manifest itself into tears (that is when I know its bad, because I can't cry for anything). I found solace enough for that night, and I was reminded that God is our healer.
So a week after I had realized that I needed to start putting some effort forth to climb out of the pit that I had dug for myself, I was having a very difficult day, and I just wanted freedom from everything that I had committed too, and brokenness. I prayed to God on Tuesday, at our weekly meeting to pray for internationals, I prayed for myself, I prayed specifically, that God would be kind to me that day, and he was.
God is kind.
It was a Tuesday, so on Tuesdays I have class, eat, pray for internationals with friends and then go to work for several hours. The week before had stock every single day, and I was tired, and sick of moving boxes and figuring costs. Mainly moving boxes (the truth is, when you are spiritually, emotionally and mentally weary, you become physically weary as well). So Tuesday and Friday are big stock days, lots of stuff comes in and you have to sort it out, mark it, move it, rearrange, move stuff again, at this point in my life, it might as well have been sprinting up Mt. Everest.
I went into work, not happy, but ready to suck it up and do the job (did I mention I didn't sleep much the night before?). I started payroll because it was the last day of the pay period, and then I was ambushed. It was a trap, my manager and another lady (who I will not mention) came in, and started the talk. Saying, "Tyler, It's not working".
I paused...
Deciding how to react....
(beginning to smile) I said, "yeah, I know"
I came clean about how I was planning on just finishing out the semester and finding someone to take my place at the beginning of the next semester, I just didn't want to make the end of the semester any harder on them, and how I was bad at the job, and hated the job, it was too detail oriented, and they wanted things done a certain way, and I couldn't wrap my mind around their reasoning for specifics. Then, we came to an agreement. We were both happy with the decision, they had somebody lined up to take over and I went and took a nap. What a glorious day that was!
God was kind to me, he took from me what he didn't want me to have, the one thing that was too much, the one thing keeping me from healing, from peace, and from joy.
God is kind, he needed to teach me this, because my life was speaking lies about who God is. He had to intervene, and be kind to me. He is merciful, because I brought the pain on myself. Within 30 minutes of my prayer for God to be kind to me, he answered it.... crazy.
Well, losing your job, not having any more money coming in, and not knowing how your going to get to Louisville for training to Go to Italy. Sounds like a pain, but it has been such a huge blessing. Joy and peace characterize my life right now, it hasn't even been a full week! And here I am praising God for everything that has come out of it!
He is surely Good to us.
Sometimes, to others, his goodness might not look so good, but its all about the relationship. And him messing things up that you have created so that he can communicate who he is to you, is the most loving thing he can do.
Sometimes good things come in seemingly awful packages.
Things I learned:
1. God is kind
2. God's character is more important than anything else
3. Take a break! Margin! build time in your life for rest, every day and once a week. (I suggest reading a book called "Margin")
4. Recognize your commitments, we don't see them till we write them as a list. When we take on too much, we weaken ourselves to deal with the spiritual and emotional struggles that WILL inevitably come. Don't render yourself incapable of spiritual warfare.
5. Build community, you need brothers and sisters, and they are a huge blessing.
6. When in troubled times, seek brothers or sisters out, and share. Let them fulfill the law of Christ, which is to love you.
7. When in troubled times, read the word and pray. Even if you haven't in a long time. God wants to heal, comfort and reveal himself to you.
8. Take a freakin' nap!
God is surely good to us.
